Seriously. What a hard thing to instantly have a toddler brother you don’t know to share with, instantly.
We’ve all had moments where we’ve made ugly mistakes in the process of learning to love each other and embrace each person.
But this girl is so kind to her brother. She’s providing lots of help at craft time. And seeing the two of them together – wow – I’ve had a front row seat at her transformation over the past two years and despite the messy moments, it is truly remarkable.
Bonding and attachment takes time, for all involved.
And even though Barrett FanFan calls me mama by name–and has since day one–I can tell he doesn’t feel I am mama just yet. That takes time. But I know that’ll come.
And the same is honestly true for me. Soon, it won’t feel like babysitting. That is already starting to change, in slow increments each day. (There are some who likely cringe that I stated that it feels like babysitting at first, but it does. We don’t have an attachment yet.)
In our instant gratification culture, it is hard to wait. We want, what we want, instantly. Often, we want it without hard work or sacrifice. We don’t want to invest. That’s just not how much of life works.
Even with cocooning, we realized some people were not supportive of our cocooning efforts with Lydia because it is so counter our culture. It is counter instant gratification.
Wait. Just wait. See what slowing down and pushing the pause button on rushing here and there does. Watch what happens when we choose to slow down life and focus on one thing: connection for the four of us.
Barrett FanFan doesn’t feel comfortable with my kisses–so wait. Oh, how I would love a slobbery toddler kiss, but I will wait. Give it time. He doesn’t feel I am mama just yet.
But that is starting to change in slow increments. Saying no to the busy and hectic, saying no to the dishes and cleaning gives me permission to watch the most beautiful work unfold.
Yesterday, he asked me to get off my twin bed in the guest room and join him on his twin bed next to mine. “Mama,” he said and grunted like a little dinosaur, smacking his hand down next to him. He was saying mama, I want you here. So there I went, only getting as close as his body language told me he was comfortable with.
What a huge gesture. What a big step for both of us as we step into mama and son. 26 days. It took 26 days.
2015. What a Year!
January
I started writing for No Hands But Ours with some of the kindest people who love Jesus and are passionate about adoption.
In January, Miss Lydia finished seeing one of the best and nicest physicians I have ever met in my life. When he placed the stethoscope on her chest, Lydia said, “You gonna take dat stethoscope and wisten to my boobies?” He told me the fact that she can say stethoscope at two years old means she’s going to be a physician. I am so thankful Lydia has access to excellent medical care in the US.
We have had the best treatment at Arkansas Children’s.
Lydia, Nina, and Leah at the orphanage.
It was like seeing sisters reunited.
June
We spent a lot of time at her favorite creek, in princess dresses.
Lydia learned to SWIM!
We sent a birthday party to China for Barrett FanFan.
July
Lydia passed her ISR Winter Clothes test for swim lessons.
Bryson worked hard to finish our documentary, The Making of a Family. It currently has 13,000 views on YouTube. Insane.
August
We spent lots of time with some of our favorite people.
September
Lydia started preschool. It is unlikely she would’ve been allowed to go to school in China, due to her special need. I was overwhelmed with the fact that my incredibly bright daughter gets to go to school.
We went to Atlanta and spent some time with precious friends.
October
Lydia rode on her first roller coaster and loved it.
We took lots of lovely fall walks.
We went trick or treating with Stella.
November
Lydia and I went to Shriner’s to see her amazing ortho hand specialist, Dr. Goldfarb. He will do surgery on her lucky fin sometime in 2016.
December
We took Lydia back to China…
we became a family of four…
and journeyed safely home.
The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
We look forward to sharing more memories with you in 2016.
Yes, both of these are Barrett FanFan and they are taken approximately one month apart. Little chunky man. What a gift the orphanage director gave me.
Little Barrett FanFan, what I would have given to have held you in these moments. I am so thankful for the One who placed so many kind and loving women in your life to care for you before I could.
Today, Kristen and I jumped on the bullet train and went to Wuzhou. The train station we departed from was like 50 Tulsa International Airports – very, very modern and clean. It was a beautiful and easy train ride through some of the most incredible terrain I have seen. Guangxi province is just stunning, and My God is an incredible Creator. I absolutely cannot wait to go back to this province with my children when they are a tad bit older.
And why don’t we have bullet trains in the USA? They are amazing.
The bullet trains in China are so much smoother and more comfortable than the high speed trains I have traveled through Europe. Kristen and I were both worried about nausea, but neither of us experienced any.
I told my agency that even if I could not tour the orphanage or visit Barrett FanFan’s foster family, I HAD to go to Wuzhou. With Lydia’s adoption, I regretted so much that I was not allowed to at least visit her town in Jinagxi province.
Bryson stayed back at the hotel with Barrett FanFan and Lydia. Lord bless that man. Barrett FanFan has been forming his trauma bond with mama up until this point, and was hysterical when I left the hotel. It was hard for me to leave, but I knew for the long run, I needed to go to Wuzhou and see the city where Barrett FanFan spent his first two years of life and was found.
Though there are many things I share about our family, there are things that I will never blog about or share publicly or even with friends…like where and how my children were found.
But today, I was able to go to the spot Barrett FanFan was found. Kristen had to remind me to take photos and videos of the spot so that I could show Barrett FanFan someday, because I was altogether too overwhelmed by the ordinariness of the location and yet the significance of it for our child. I tried to imagine why, I tried to imagine who, I tried to imagine all of those moments leading up to that decision. I tried to think through how I am going to explain this to each of my children. “Mandy, take more pictures,” Kristen said. Yes, today, I will focus on taking more pictures. Today, I can do that.
This is the restaurant Kristen and I ate at in Wuzhou
Kristen and I ate an authentic meal in Wuzhou. Though I love spicy food, I ate some of the spiciest dishes I have had outside of Thailand. We dined on hotpot and lots of local dishes. Our favorite dish was a pork tenderloin dish that tasted like it was encrusted in peanut brittle. Sounds odd but it was delicious. I would love to find a recipe for it.
After eating and going to the finding spot, a bunch of local school girls could not stop giggling at Kristen and me. We could tell that in Wuzhou, we stuck out a little.
A tree lined street in Wuzhou.
I asked if I could be taken to key parts of Wuzhou.
A market area in Wuzhou.
We went to see The Dragon Mother Temple. I could see The Dragon Mother shrine at the top of a large hill as we were driving through Wuzhou and told our guide I’d like to see it up close.
Dragon Mother from the city
Our guide told me it was some important holiday for the Dragon Mother and that we were lucky we were visiting on this day. It was very crowded and people were setting off hoards of fireworks in honor of this holiday. There were many tourist buses from Guangzhou there for the occasion.
These are the casings for fireworks that have been set off. Thousands and thousands of fireworks.
I took this photo as someone set off hundreds of fireworks immediately behind me and jumped for my life, hence the blurriness.
Dragon Mother sits atop of a large hill and overlooks the river and port
From the temple, overlooking Wuzhou
The tree was covered in prayers or wishes
The river from the temple
Much of what I experienced on this day won’t be blogged about, but it was truly one of the most special and important days of my life. I loved having the opportunity to see the city where Barrett FanFan lived. Such a beautiful place.
It was close to 8:00 PM by the time I got back to the hotel room. When I opened the door, Bryson declared it was the hardest dad moment his life and that precious Barrett FanFan had cried for me nearly all day… I hurt for Bryson and Barrett FanFan, but knew going to Wuzhou was the best decision for the longterm.
We all went to sleep knowing that tomorrow would be our last day in Nanning before heading to Guangzhou.
Lydia and Barrett FanFan in matching shirts
Tuesday
Last night (Tuesday night), I kinda reached that point where I was maxed out. I was exhausted. It was pouring, so food options with two toddlers was limited. We had spent most of that morning finalizing the adoption, and FanFan was grieving hard.
Our hotel is wonderful for many reasons, but one of the reasons is because it is connected to a large mall with a Walmart on the first floor. We decided to eat at one of the places connected to the hotel because of the rain. Bryson thought I had a place in mind, I thought he had a place in mind, and after walking for quite awhile, I asked, “Where is the restaurant you want to eat at?” And he said, “I thought you had one in mind. I am just following you.” And my facial expression must’ve been AWESOME. Communication 101 – we nailed it.
Bryson took charge and said he saw a place near the Walmart that was packed with locals at lunch, so we followed him. Once there, Bryson tried to order, but all was lost in translation, and we could not order because of the language difference. So off we went. And so we ate at Pizza Hut and Kristen, Bryson, and I all laughed at how mama was about to lose her mind and how we were eating at Pizza Hut in China. There aren’t many times when I just get to that point, but I was there. And we wanted pepperoni pizza, but when we tried to order that, we realized it wasn’t happening. So we just pointed at a picture of a different kind of pizza. Baba carried Lydia and Barrett FanFan all of the way back to the hotel and just as he was about to put them down, Lydia said, “Oh baba, you are as strong as a super hero.” I laughed and laughed and said he had no choice but to carry the both of them back to the hotel now.
Wednesday
This morning, Barrett FanFan woke up, looked at us and smiled. Though he is grieving, his smile was a welcomed “I am going to be okay.” I can tell he was very well prepared for his adoption. He knows we are his mama and baba, though he is clearly grieving.
He slept on the floor again, and I decided to sleep on the floor with him, within a distance he was comfortable with. Tonight, he slept further away from the door and closer to our bed. Baby steps, and we have lots of time.
Though he smiled, he was cranky and frustrated this morning. We decided to cancel our plans to go to the mountain park, and instead relaxed at the hotel.
Like Lydia was, FanFan is protective of his coat that he came with, and wants to always wear his shoes. We absolutely let him, as the scents of his clothes are familiar and comforting. We let him sleep in these items. Though yesterday, he surprised us when he wanted to wear a matching t-shirt like Lydia’s that said “play like a boss.”
Today, Barrett FanFan felt comfortable enough to change his shirt to SuperMan.
A breakfast photo by Lydia. She nailed it.
He also wanted to go swimming at the hotel pool, but hated the cool temperature, I suspected. He was happy to put his feet in the hot tub. His foster mom later confirmed that it is the temperature he doesn’t like in a cool pool.
Lydia is not so sure about wearing the required swim caps, though we are pretty sure she is all things adorable.
Working hard to get that cap on
How cute is she?!
That night, we finally went to the mall that is a 10-15 minute walk away for dinner. The mall is a very high end mall. Bryson wanted to shop at this store.
Bryson’s favorite clothing store
We ate a seriously delicious meal at a Szechuan restaurant. FanFan put the food down like a boss. He loves spicy food. All kinds of food.
It was a beautiful walk back to our hotel.
Bryson, Lydia, and Kristen
We absolutely love Nanning, and cannot wait to return soon.
FanFan fell asleep on my lap and slept closer to the foot of our bed on the floor.
We are all struggling today with the reality of jet lag.
At Walmart in China, self-service at the deli counter involves catching your own ginormous fish.
We officially became a family of four yesterday.
We all awoke at 4 am to Fan Fan’s crying. He started to cheer up once we started playing. We asked Kristen to go with us to breakfast just to have an extra set of hands.
Fan fell asleep in the carrier during most of the appointments. First we went to the notary, then to the bank to pay the notary. Then we drove to civil affairs office where we had to meet with lots of people. His orphanage director and teacher were there.
Fan woke up at the end of the meeting when the orphanage director said his name. He was mad and started crying. His teacher tried to get him to go to her, but he roared at her and ran back into my arms and then gave me a good whack like he was saying, “this entire thing makes me mad. I am mad at both of you!” Again, I cannot blame him.
After many forms were signed and forms were stamped with our thumb print, we officially became a family of four. We pledged to never harm him or to abandon him.
After Fan Fan woke up – our adoption had just been finalized.
Mandy and Barrett Fan Fan at civil affairs
The official at civil affairs congratulating us and handing us our adoption decree.
Bryson stamping his red thumb print.
Signing my name on a form that would later also include my red thumb print.
Bryson says he loves this photo of me. This is at civil affairs before Barrett Fan Fan woke up. My facial expression is saying, “PLEASE, please let’s get back to the hotel so he can grieve in a more private place.” Poor little guy just shut down. It was all too much. Even though I’ve done this before and knew what to expect, it was stressful and exhausting.
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