2015. What a Year!

January

I started writing for No Hands But Ours with some of the kindest people who love Jesus and are passionate about adoption.

In January, Miss Lydia finished seeing one of the best and nicest physicians I have ever met in my life. When he placed the stethoscope on her chest, Lydia said, “You gonna take dat stethoscope and wisten to my boobies?” He told me the fact that she can say stethoscope at two years old means she’s going to be a physician. I am so thankful Lydia has access to excellent medical care in the US. 

August 

We spent lots of time with some of our favorite people.

September 

Lydia started preschool. It is unlikely she would’ve been allowed to go to school in China, due to her special need. I was overwhelmed with the fact that my incredibly bright daughter gets to go to school.

We went to Atlanta and spent some time with precious friends.

October

Lydia rode on her first roller coaster and loved it.

We took lots of lovely fall walks.

We went trick or treating with Stella.

November 

Lydia and I went to Shriner’s to see her amazing ortho hand specialist, Dr. Goldfarb. He will do surgery on her lucky fin sometime in 2016.

December

We took Lydia back to China…

we became a family of four…

and journeyed safely home.

The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

We look forward to sharing more memories with you in 2016.

Yes, both of these are Barrett FanFan and they are taken approximately one month apart. Little chunky man. What a gift the orphanage director gave me.

Little Barrett FanFan, what I would have given to have held you in these moments. I am so thankful for the One who placed so many kind and loving women in your life to care for you before I could.

 

Tuesday

Last night (Tuesday night), I kinda reached that point where I was maxed out. I was exhausted. It was pouring, so food options with two toddlers was limited. We had spent most of that morning finalizing the adoption, and FanFan was grieving hard.

Our hotel is wonderful  for many reasons, but one of the reasons is because it is connected to a large mall with a Walmart on the first floor. We decided to eat at one of the places connected to the hotel because of the rain. Bryson thought I had a place in mind, I thought he had a place in mind, and after walking for quite awhile, I asked, “Where is the restaurant you want to eat at?” And he said, “I thought you had one in mind. I am just following you.” And my facial expression must’ve been AWESOME. Communication 101 – we nailed it.

Bryson took charge and said he saw a place near the Walmart that was packed with locals at lunch, so we followed him. Once there, Bryson tried to order, but all was lost in translation, and we could not order because of the language difference. So off we went. And so we ate at Pizza Hut and Kristen, Bryson, and I all laughed at how mama was about to lose her mind and how we were eating at Pizza Hut in China. There aren’t many times when I just get to that point, but I was there. And we wanted pepperoni pizza, but when we tried to order that, we realized it wasn’t happening. So we just pointed at a picture of a different kind of pizza. Baba carried Lydia and Barrett FanFan all of the way back to the hotel and just as he was about to put them down, Lydia said, “Oh baba, you are as strong as a super hero.” I laughed and laughed and said he had no choice but to carry the both of them back to the hotel now.

Wednesday

This morning, Barrett FanFan woke up, looked at us and smiled. Though he is grieving, his smile was a welcomed “I am going to be okay.” I can tell he was very well prepared for his adoption. He knows we are his mama and baba, though he is clearly grieving.

He slept on the floor again, and I decided to sleep on the floor with him, within a distance he was comfortable with. Tonight, he slept further away from the door and closer to our bed. Baby steps, and we have lots of time.

Though he smiled, he was cranky and frustrated this morning. We decided to cancel our plans to go to the mountain park, and instead relaxed at the hotel.

Like Lydia was, FanFan is protective of his coat that he came with, and wants to always wear his shoes. We absolutely let him, as the scents of his clothes are familiar and comforting. We let him sleep in these items. Though yesterday, he surprised us when he wanted to wear a matching t-shirt like Lydia’s that said “play like a boss.”

Today, Barrett FanFan felt comfortable enough to change his shirt to SuperMan.

He also wanted to go swimming at the hotel pool, but hated the cool temperature, I suspected. He was happy to put his feet in the hot tub. His foster mom later confirmed that it is the temperature he doesn’t like in a cool pool.

Lydia is not so sure about wearing the required swim caps, though we are pretty sure she is all things adorable.

That night, we finally went to the mall that is a 10-15 minute walk away for dinner. The mall is a very high end mall. Bryson wanted to shop at this store.

We ate a seriously delicious meal at a Szechuan restaurant. FanFan put the food down like a boss. He loves spicy food. All kinds of food.

It was a beautiful walk back to our hotel.

We absolutely love Nanning, and cannot wait to return soon.

FanFan fell asleep on my lap and slept closer to the foot of our bed on the floor.

At Walmart in China, self-service at the deli counter involves catching your own ginormous fish.

We officially became a family of four yesterday.

We all awoke at 4 am to Fan Fan’s crying. He started to cheer up once we started playing. We asked Kristen to go with us to breakfast just to have an extra set of hands.

Fan fell asleep in the carrier during most of the appointments. First we went to the notary, then to the bank to pay the notary. Then we drove to civil affairs office where we had to meet with lots of people. His orphanage director and teacher were there.

Fan woke up at the end of the meeting when the orphanage director said his name. He was mad and started crying. His teacher tried to get him to go to her, but he roared at her and ran back into my arms and then gave me a good whack like he was saying, “this entire thing makes me mad. I am mad at both of you!” Again, I cannot blame him.

After many forms were signed and forms were stamped with our thumb print, we officially became a family of four. We pledged to never harm him or to abandon him.

Today was the day we met our son. I always try to remind people that adoption is not a fairy tale.

I was surprised by how calm I was compared to Lydia’s Day. It was nice to have the day to play with Lydia to distract us. First thing that morning, she drew our family picture.

Lydia and I had a precious conversation when we woke up.

M: Lydia, do you know what today is?
L: Pretty school?
M: nope. Who do we get to see today?
L: China?
M: Barrett!
L: What?! Oh my goodness. We have been waiting a long, long, long time to meet him.
M: yes we have! What are you going to say to him?
L: I’m going to say “Hi Fan, thank you so much for my Anna dress. I love it.” I HAVE TO WEAR MY ANNA DRESS.
Deal.

And then she ran over to her baba’s side of the bed and said, “WAKE UP! We get to meet Barrett!”

Early Monday, Bryson and I went to the bank to exchange all of our US cash for Chinese currency for our various adoption payments in China. It was so nerve wracking. While we were at the bank, Kristen did a therapy session with Lydia.

I was mentioning to the guide how beautiful the area was where we were walking and he mentioned that NONE of the skyscrapers were in this particular section three years ago. Everywhere we go, there are cranes and construction. Outside of our hotel, we can see construction crews working 24 hours a day. For real.

After the bank, Bryson came back to take Lydia for a swim and I went to Walmart to buy a few items for Barrett. I found him the cutest little bear backpack at Walmart, but the cashier kept yelling at me, and after three minutes, I figured out the tag/UPC code had somehow been removed. So I left without his bag.

We were relieved that LG was able to nap before our appointment at civil affairs.

Bryson and I took time to pray for our family just the two of us while Lydia slept. There were lots of tears, praying that the Lord would protect Lydia’s growth, that the Lord would make up for our deficits as parents, and that no matter what was ahead of us, that the Lord would give us the empathy to stay connected and attuned. We prayed for Fan, his foster family, and our attachment.

I tried to eat, but was too nervous.

When LG woke, I could tell she was stressed (probably sensing our nervous energy), so instead of running around our hotel room like a crazy woman, I made myself take 20 minutes to do a puzzle with her. It helped calm her down a lot (and me too), and then it was go time.

We met our guide in the lobby.

Our strategy was that Kristen, Lydia’s attachment/play therapist, would be there with Lydia to help her. “Gotcha” days are overwhelming, and Lydia is so bright and aware of things that are happening, that we knew Kristen might need to help her more than we could while meeting Fan.

When we arrived, we saw lots of families who had already met their children. I have never been to civil affairs for an adoption, and it was completely overwhelming. Adoption begins with loss, and on this day, each child was leaving everything familiar. I looked at Kristen and whispered, “this is heartbreaking.” So much change for such little people. Adoption can absolutely be beautiful, but on this day, it is overwhelming to see so many children grieve in a variety of ways. Adoption involves so much loss.

I remember saying, “No children are screaming.” Foreshadowing.

There was an issue with our paperwork and Bryson and I were telling the guide the correct information. Suddenly, a little boy walks up to our table and it is Barrett “Fan Fan.” I think I said, “Oh my goodness, there he is. It is him.” It caught us all off guard. Our guide was taken aback too, and I remember him saying, “Wow, he is so handsome.” He is so handsome.

I bent down to his level, but could read that he was scared, so I kept my distance to try to help him. He recognized us from the photos we sent, but he still did not know us. He backed up to his teacher and the orphanage director – his secure base – and I kept my distance and tried my best to respond to his cues. When they told him I was “mama,” he cried and ran away. Lydia was right by my side, and though we talked at length about how he would most likely react to meeting us, she thought he was running away because he did not like her.

Lydia was so compassionate and comforting to him. I am just so impressed with her maturity in such a profoundly stressful moment.

The nanny and the orphanage director kept pushing Fan Fan over to me and saying “mama” and pointing to me. It broke my heart for him. He was scared. I didn’t push myself on him, and kept my distance. At one point, I turned to Kristen and looked to her for reassurance.

“Am I doing this right? Is it okay that I am keeping my distance?” I asked.

“Yes, you are. At some point, you are going to have to pick him up, but you don’t have to right now.”

Barrett ran away from me. So knowing what I know about Theraplay, I turned it into playful engagement and made it like a game of tag.

At some point, I did have to pick him up, and it was so difficult with all of his layers of clothing. Although it was 60 degrees, he was in three layers of clothing and a winter coat. I couldn’t quite hold him, and was secretly terrified that I might drop him. He was squirming, trying to go to the people who were familiar…I was dripping in sweat.

Some might wonder if this hurt or if I felt rejected. I only hurt for him, truly. I saw him continue to go back to his secure base, appropriately. I took this as a very good and encouraging sign for attachment.

Barrett was screaming and crying, but, I held him like a baby and he locked eyes with me. He started to calm down.

Once we left civil affairs, he started crying such a sad, heartbreaking cry and screams. I went ahead and showed him some Chinese nursery rhymes on my cell phone, and that calmed him down. I wanted to give him a break from the intensity of it all, even if just for a moment. It calmed him immediately. If you want to download the apps, search for 兔宝宝爱听歌. Thanks Kelly for the recommendation.

Once we got to our hotel room, he was happy, and played with Lydia a ton. Lydia was so amazing. I am just so proud of her.

They begged to take a bath together, and what ensued was hysterical. Bubbles flying everywhere. Fan would cover my face in bubbles, and then gently say “mama” and wipe my face clean. Though I was not in the tub, I was soaked from head to toe.

He fell right asleep at 7:45, but woke around 8:45 with a profound, grieving cry. Bryson and I did every technique we have learned, but after 45 minutes, we called Kristen. He was inconsolable. She came down, and we brainstormed things to best help comfort Fan. Fan and I slept by the door last night. There was very little sleep.

I am so incredibly thankful that Kristen is here. And I know she has said she has learned so much to help international adoptive families in her practice by joining our family. I think it has been such a win-win. Experiencing this in real life is altogether overwhelming – and cannot be adequately described, even for the person simply walking alongside us. It is hard y’all.

Fan is hilarious. He jumps everywhere, loves to dance, and hum. He loves cars that make noises. He crashes into things, is rough, and likes to stomp his feet like he is a dinosaur.

As Lydia and Barrett were playing side by side, it was a reminder that it is a privilege to be the one to help a child grieve, though it is not easy to witness. And the grief is so real.

The guides were all cracking up yesterday saying Lydia looks like the Chinese version of me. Today, they were laughing and saying that Fan has my dimples and Bryson’s looks. The guide said there must be a greater power matching our family.