Co-sleeping with this little dude has been a game changer. Slow progress, but progress in the right direction.
He was terrified of our bed, and so we did not force it.
He started in the pack-n-play, and as he got more comfortable with us, we tried our bed again. No way.
Little Miss and Barrett FanFan were keeping the entire family up all night, and so we decided to split up. I would move to the office/guest room with Barrett FanFan and he would stay in the master with Lydia. Now neither child was particularly enthusiastic about this plan, but we knew we had to split up rooms.
For the past 8 nights, FanFan and I have slept in the “guest room.” I have a twin bed, and he has a twin mattress of the floor.
He has been slow to let me cuddle him or let me lay down on his bed. But I have seen incremental progress.
Last night, I heard “Mama!” at 1 am and my little guy wanted to snuggle up next to me in my twin bed. He wanted me to cuddle him and comfort him that way. A first.
He also belly laughed in his sleep. Who does that? A precious little guy.
I am not usually one of those who compares myself to others, photos, or what I see on Pinterest or Facebook. I get it is not the complete picture and often people present the ideal self online. But, for whatever reason, the past 3 weeks I have felt guilty when I see the perfectly decorated home for Chinese New Year or a newly home family that is dominating at Christmas and life.
Why can I not dominate at life? I wonder.
Christmas here was very simple (as in you all will laugh at me when I post about it soon).
Chinese New Year this year? Gosh y’all. We will just go out to eat. Maybe. Nah. Probably takeout.
And today, I told myself it is okay if like FanFan, I can only take small steps during this season of change. Returning texts? Currently have 73 unanswered text messages. And the unanswered Facebook messages. Hundreds.
The same grace I extend to him, I must extend to myself with all of the extra. Because right now, my capacity is focusing on the two little people entrusted to my care and learning who the newest little is. That’s it. And that is perfectly wonderful and simple and complicated and messy and enough for one mama.
So for now, those 73 text messages will go unanswered.
The Christmas tree will stay up.
The pumpkins on my front porch leftover from Halloween will remain there.
And my life won’t look Facebook perfect.
Because tonight when a little boy said, “Mama! Come here!” and hit his lucky fin to the pillow to say “this spot is just for you, mama” I could tell he was opening his heart to me for a second, wanted me to be near, and to learn a little more about his new mama too. That is a miracle, but none of today was perfect.
I am not putting pressure on FanFan to be anything other than who he is and I am doing my best to give him extra grace during this adjustment, and I need to do the same for me.
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see? I see a mama doing her okayest looking at me.
And okayest is really good enough.
Saying goodbye to pressure is a gift.